Part Five:
Taking What You've Learned Public
Most people tell me step five is the toughest part, and you can certainly look at it that way. Meeting someone for the
first time can be intimidating, to be sure. But it can also be an adventure.
Not the adventurous type? All right, fair enough. I've got you covered.
So by this point you've done your homework-you've perused the Web, narrowed down your search to some prime candidates,
presumably talked to one or two people at length and, finally, you've come to the conclusion that someone sitting in
your inbox is worth getting to know better.
So you set a date-my suggestion is that the first couple of times you do this, pick some place where there's going to be a
lot going on around you. Bars (lounge type settings, not clubs) are really good for first dates because you can chat, enjoy
some form of social stimulation and not feel tied to your date in the event things aren't going well. Coffee houses, comedy
clubs and concerts are all good too-they allow you to talk, but your entire date doesn't have to revolve around each other.
Make sure you meet each other out. You've never actually met, so just to play it safe, you want to make sure you have your
own car and your own way home in case you need it.
One tip I offer people who are particularly shy-pick up your cell phone and call the person you're meeting the minute you
walk into the room. Why? Because with a ton going on around you, you might be hard pressed to spot the one you're meeting up
with-especially since you know them only from pictures. There's no shame in placing a call, then looking for the person who's
suddenly scanning the room to find you. 'Sorry, I must have walked right past you' works well in those situations.
So you've arrived and presumably found the person-now what?
A few things. I always start with making good conversation-it's a tricky one, particularly since you don't really know each
other all that well, but there are certain topics that lend themselves well to branching out. Work never hurts, unless one
or both of you absolutely detest your job. If you like your job, you can talk about all of the amazing things you plan to do
with your position. Travel's a good one too-if you share a favorite spot on the globe, you can fill a good half hour with
memories. I would stay away from bringing up exes, but one thing that does make for a good conversation is a revisit of
people you've met from the Web who didn't pan out. If one of you has a bad toupee story and the other one has a "credit
card got declined at Carls' Jr." story, you're both in for a good laugh.
The key to making good conversation is to go with the flow and keep it light. Unless you know for a fact you're both in semi
agreement, don't go to hard hitting topics like abortion and the war. Those things will come-you don't need to beat each other
over the head with them on a first date.
One thing I suggest to people (and I admittedly get some people who disagree with this) is to attempt to go someplace where you're
likely to know a few people. I'm not saying you should bring friends out on your date with you, but if the conversation gets stale
or you feel a bit awkward and you happen upon a couple of people you know casually, how much easier is it going to be to jump start
your date?
Another way to make sure your date never gets stale is to stagger it across the evening. The best dates I've ever been on are dates
that start with a plan but leave room for interpretation.
What do I mean? Say you agree to meet up somewhere for drinks, but leave the door open by simply saying "and then we can find
someplace fun to eat and go from there." It could be a movie, it could be dancing, it could be a walk on the beach-if you're
really forward, maybe you head back to someone's condo. The point is, if you stagger your date and don't lock yourself into spending
all of your time at one place, you won't be watching the clock to see how things are going. Drinks might take 20 minutes, they might
take an hour. You might opt for dinner or a snack on the run as you make your way to your next stop. And, worst case scenario, if the
date sucks, it's a heck of a lot easier to bail out whenever you need to.
And most importantly-leave your expectations at the door. Yes, we get that the overall goal is to find someone worth dating. But that
doesn't mean anyone who doesn't scream marriage material is a waste of time. Maybe you stumble upon the perfect someone for something
casual as you ease back into the dating scene. Maybe this is the best friend you never knew was out there. Don't paint a picture of
exactly what you're looking for and put your blinders on to anything not fitting the mold. You'll be disappointed at every turn.
Be sure to read part six of our six part dating series-knowing how to follow up and make it all happen again.
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